My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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