so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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