I got chris browned last night
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
