it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
