I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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