My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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