apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
