yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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