I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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