Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
They are going to name an STD after you.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
