what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
