There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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