Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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