I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
