ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
