went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
