Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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