I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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