I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
