it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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