Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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