your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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