So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
