Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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