i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
