I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
