You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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