But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
