I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Randomize
