First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
