Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
