hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
