i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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