everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
