He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
