I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
