Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We are two peas in an std pod
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
