yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
