Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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