Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
