I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
