I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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