You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
No more Irish car bombs ever.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
ttyl tear gas
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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