Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
