I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
