Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
