Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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