Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
