Is it normal to miss your booty call?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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