I hate your face
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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