I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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