He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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