I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
