i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
