guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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