I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
