my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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