We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
